On my tombstone it shall be written: "Even though I did not even want the promotion, because it meant progressing within a job I did not like, I felt stressed about it. Because I had nothing else lined up, and beyond this opportunity to fail further, I saw only treading water, trying to survive in the uncertainty."
It's a long engraving. Big heads get big tombstones though.
On my funeral reception, I wonder if anyone gives the speech pointing out that: "Sometimes, just treading water trying to survive is better than killing yourself over something you don't even love". If the plane is burning, you might as well fucking jump simply for the point of feeling the rush of being alive. If Vesna Vulović was alive, I'm sure she'd agree.
Sometimes sticking it to the man, just fucking sticking it to the fucking man, with no back-up plan no nothing, is the biggest step you can take in getting closer to your ideal self - because it entails you stop walking in the wrong direction.
Sometimes stepping into uncertainty with no back-up plan, letting the door slam shut behind you forcing your forward into the unknown with the fear of life itself beating through your bones is better than that promotion. Surely feeling momentarily alive in the unknown must be better than staying in the suffocating well-known. Because remarkable things happen in people all the time when they face life-or-death situations. A kind of hysterical strength as Angella Cavallo would call it.
No more dying. Fuck falling further. Jump.
All the best and more,
STUCK GUY
OWNED MEDIA GRADUATE - THE COMPANY
COMPANY HEADQUARTERS,
COMPANY TOWN
M: +00 00 00 00 00
C1 - Internal use
the Outlook for something Better
Pay raise
FromSTUCK Guy <stuckguy@company.com>
DateMon 2026-05-18 16:37
ToPayroll@company.com
Dear payroll,
You thieving, cheap-ass never-get-fucked fuckS: When I sold my soul to the devil, I only did so, expecting to be proportionately paid for it? I have friends in consulting which are getting paid more than this piece-of-shit peanut-sized but bigger than your micro penises sized salary? And they are almost equally as unhappy as I am, and still at least they get to call themselves "consultants" when they fall asleep?
I thought the whole point in selling my soul was that I would become insanely rich at the cost of being insanely unhappy? Yet here I am without being insanely rich whilst definitely being insanely unhappy, which to be is just pure insanity - then I could have done something else?
FromPayroll <payroll@company.com>
DateTue 2026-05-19 11:02
ToSTUCK Guy <stuckguy@company.com>
Dear Guy,
We hope you are well. Addressing your question in order of relevancy.
As per your contract, you did, as you yourself point out, enter a deal selling your soul to the devil. However, we understand your discernment with the value you've been compensated, a common misconception many lost souls here in our corporate Hades experience.
After checking internally, we can verify that you have been compensated a fair price for the value of your soul at the end of the month in which you entered your contract. This value, however, is not in any range near the value of your soul at the fleeting moment when you decided to sign over it, just before the pen hit the paper and the deed was done. This, however insanely sad it is on your behalf, is none of our concern.
In case this is not to your liking, we'd like to kindly remind you that you're bound to a 3-month notice period, with personal damages lasting expectantly significantly longer.
Thanks for confirming what I thought all along but had to be a morron and waste a year to confirm - corporate sucks donkey balls dragged in mud. I quit.
(It was me who was stealing toilet paper)
